Take pills everry day

November 24, 2020

Pregabalin is a pretty chill drug. It’s like alcohol. It makes you relaxed, kinda dizzy, open and talkative. Except while alcohol makes you super emotional and possibly angry, you are always super positive and friendly with the pills.

It’s totally unlike all the benzos, which require you to double your dosage every two days to get the same high, and eventually the withdrawal symptoms either literally kill you or make you wish you died, as every second feels like an eternity where you just want to escape from your body and mind but can’t.

But just like alcohol takes all the happiness from the next day and gives it to you now, I feel like Pregabalin does something similar. Except the place where it gets the happiness to give you comes from somewhere far in the future, and slowly destroys your normal self and your brain cells. It feels kinda spooky.

I guess the plan for now is to build the game when I’m feeling sane and healthy. And do nothing and watch cartoons the days I’m feeling shite. By the way, the estimated time to complete the game and launch it on Steam is currently 1337 years. I hope the people from 3357 AD will like it.

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gamedevlog

October 21, 2020

After trying out a bunch of different mobile gacha games, I decided to build my own game. In Unity.

I haven’t really built any games before. C#, the programming language used in Unity, is also new to me. By now I’ve learned a lot about these tools. But I’m still slowly realizing that those people on the Internet are right. Those who say that it’s best to build a bunch of simple games first before you take on an ambitious project. My code is probably trash, because I lack experience and just don’t know any better.

It’s weird that it’s hard to improve the code too. There isn’t too much advanced information on Unity on the internet. There are all these famous large games built in Unity. The know-how for building them had to come from somewhere right? But I can’t find it. There are mostly YouTube tutorials for beginners. So I guess I will just continue improvising on top of what I have now.

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My SSD is full

August 30, 2020

My SSD is full, but that’s a story for another time. What I actually want to discuss this time is the hard disk in my head. My memory. It’s terrible. Like, most of the days I don’t remember what I had for breakfast. It’s even harder to remember stuff that happened days, weeks or years ago. But, for some reason, there are a few parts of my brain that store and recall information really well. One of these is my memory for long numbers. Another one is the memory for Magic: the Gathering cards. And the biggest baddest storage space of them all is the part of my brain dedicated to storing embarrassing memories.

I think from time to time that I should make a conscious effort to store pleasant memories too, so that I have something to bring up to counteract all the bad ones. There’s the negativity bias and all. It’s all human nature. It’s not just me. Most people have these random flashbacks to past pitiful events, especially when going to sleep or when your brain is otherwise not occupied with anything else. So you gotta work hard to pay attention to the good stuff, because by default you take particular notice of the bad stuff. Like, a small nice thing that happened might go unnoticed. But a small annoying thing can really ruin your mood. What will matter in the end though, are all those small pleasant things that happened during your lifetime. So let’s all work harder to store these precious moments as long-time memories.

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What? You say I need to get my shit together and change? Well I already have. For the better.

Me. In high school. I got a new hoodie. It is the first hoodie I’ve ever worn, and for some reason having a hood on my shoulders makes me anxious. I keep adjusting the hood and asking people if it looks okay.

Me. In his thirties. My wardrobe only consists of hoodies. Wearing a hood makes me feel most comfortable, somehow it makes me feel less bad when I’m in the deepest of depressions.

So, there you have it. I’ve certainly improved.

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Kokoro Disconnect

June 17, 2020

I’ve binged a few older anime series lately. I really loved ReLIFE, which made this old man cry and laugh and cry more than his last serious relationship. And at the moment, I’m about to finish Kokoro Connect, which is kinda the same genre as ReLIFE, and has also made me feel a lot.

It is about a group of teenagers, who catch the attention of a supernatural entity, who then starts to mess around with their lives, because it thinks that “they are interesting” and because he “wants to see interesting things” from them. Well, I’ve now seen some pretty interesting stuff myself.

I like it how these series can really make you feel a lot, you can get addicted to the feels, especially if your own life is devoid of any emotion but regret. And the other thing I like about these high school romance dramas is the deep analysis of the characters’ subconscious worlds that some of the teens can come up with. One moment they are in a serious discussion about each other’s feelings, which would dwarf the analytical skills of even my therapist, and the next moment they are so emotionally charged that they have no control over what is happening.

I guess so far I’d give this series a solid 9/10.

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Are there any more emotional series you’d recommend me that I haven’t seen yet? Let me know in the comments.

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