Furamo

stories about this and that

Normally when I go to sleep, or just close my eyes I see all kinds of moving images pop up in front of my eyes. I call them “the Cartoons”. I can tell how sleepy I am by the Detail Level of the Cartoons – if they only have simple geometrical shapes, I’m not likely to sleep soon. But if they instantly are super detailed and have complicated movements and maybe there are even some sounds too – then I’ll know I’m as good as asleep.

An object I commonly use in a Cartoon is a fork – I rotate it in my head, move it around, and see what happens. If the Cartoon Detail Level is high enough, the fork might start doing some weird things, flipping around, transforming into something else.

I can let the fork go – just sit back and watch how it evolves and changes into other objects in the Cartoon. Or I can modify it directly myself, purposefully adding more complexities to it. Both ways usually end up with the Cartoon Detail Level increased after a while.

When I am already hearing sounds and even spoken sentences there – I’ll know the Cartoons did their job and soon the pictures and sounds will convert to a dream without me realizing it.

Now today, I had a lot of accumulated stress and I just really wanted to escape from it, escape from my consciousness. So I dug out the box of prescription sleeping pills I’ve had for god knows how long. I hadn’t dared use them before, because they were supposed to instantly knock you out, and that sounded dangerous to me. But today, at this moment, escaping my stress seemed a bigger issue that the unknowns of what taking the pill will do, so I took one.

The first 30 minutes after taking the pill I noticed no change. I was thinking – were the pills expired? Do they even do anything? But finally it kicked in. The trip.

My body started to feel like it is levitating off the bed. Surfaces around me in the room also look a bit like they are moving. Walking around and typing on the keyboard as I am currently doing the movements are a bit uncoordinated. The mouthfeel, and the aftertaste – as most psychoactive and many other drugs have – you know – the weird feeling in your mouth and airways , weird taste in your mouth, for the entire duration of the trip – those for this one, well, they feel a bit soft and cloudy, but not in a heavenly way but soft like the pillow would feel in a mental institution. So not the best.

But now, the Cartoons – here is where I saw most profound changes. Normally, the Cartoon shows me a small object, which moves quickly – spins around, etc. But with these pills my whole range of vision was filled with ultra-large, abstract objects, that move slowly, almost carefully, shaking a bit as they move.

Another funny thing about the Cartoons – now they even persist after I open my eyes and keep moving about. And I can wave them away with my hand.

And the hallucinatory background music – you would expect that your subconscious feeds you some songs you have heard too many times, but not now – the pills made my brain create completely new, original music for the background music. But as I have no experience in music, the outcome was quite pathetic.

Now that I wrote all this down, will I fall asleep too thanks to these marvelous pills? Let’s see.

For some reason, every good time is like getting drunk for me. Being intoxicated by the fun is amazing, but there is always a hangover waiting, looming behind the passing of some time.

Whenever I enjoy myself, it is always counterbalanced by some random pain soon after.

So I never get to just chill out endlessly in bliss.

It always ends.

And then the pain returns. Maybe not exactly the same pain as the last time, but there will be pain. For sure.

I am grateful for this cycle of pain and pleasure.

I have already grown used to the pain. And just like you can get used to the pain, which will dull it, you can also get used to the pleasures, which will also render them less perceptible.

So since the fun always ends soon enough, I won’t get used to it.

And it will feel like the best fun I ever had, every single time.

Yesterday I went to this huge video games event, with hundreds or even thousands of people attending – to demo the game I am making.

The event organizers provided me with a table, 2 chairs and a PC and the rest was up to me.

I brought a friend along to manage the desk with me.

I met a dozen other friends and acquaintances at the event.

Most of the time someone was playing my game at our table and people seemed to like it.

I gained a few wishlists on Steam.

Just like in my game the player’s resources are “physical energy”, “social energy”, “mental energy”, etc, and they run out at the end of the day:
Those resources of my own also ran out after 10 hours of socializing there.

But it was fun.

I guess.

Maybe.

(I decided that I would write a blog post about the event but I was not inspired at all to make the post more literature-like)

I just got a new haircut. Half my head is nearly hairless.

It is a look that has always appealed to me. In high school I used to shave half my head clean and various random jerks on the street who didn’t like my unusual hair wanted to start a fight. Now the society has probably evolved enough that I won’t have problems like that.

If you look at me from one side, I look completely different than from the other side.

Like:

A couple of times lately I’ve been asked for an ID when buying stuff at the grocery store. It feels soo good. Like, it makes you feel youthful and fabulous. It is the most amazing compliment for a relatively old guy.

On the other side:

I bought a book and the store clerk put two flyers between it. I thought it was a nice gesture, maybe the flyers are for something good. Later when I got home and looked at the flyers I was flabbergasted, I was dumbfounded by finding out one of the flyers was for a discount on school supplies for kids, and the other one for a kids’ haircut.

I must have looked like a dad to her. I wondered – was it my dad bod, my receding hairline, or some other feature that got me stamped as a father and possibly interested in those kinds of flyers?

Those ridiculous, insulting pieces of paper flew straight to the trash.

I hope the next experience of this kind will be someone asking for my ID again.

I am constantly tired. Constantly lacking energy. Sometimes I am just lying down somewhere, just being there, unable to move at all.

I want to get up, to do something, but I just can’t. I can’t move my body. It doesn’t respond to my will. I am just so tired.

To get out of there, I have developed a trick.

I will start by focusing on moving a finger. I’m not trying to get up, I’m just trying to move my finger a teensy bit – to get out the complete stillness that has enveloped my body.

After I have managed to wiggle my pinky finger, I can use the momentum to add movement to the other fingers, to the hand. Eventually the wave of movement will move up my arm and to the rest of my body, and I can break out of the stone statue spell.

I have realized that the same finger-moving trick applies to other situations too.

Is there something to do – but it is hard, insurmountably hard to get it done?

Just don’t have mental nor physical resources for it?

Well, start with the smallest of actions. Do just a little bit. And the momentum of starting it will carry you on from there.

It will still be hard, but it will get done.

Or at least progress a bit.

Got any tricks of your own for getting things done? Let me know, I sure could use them.