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Nostalgia post

May 14, 2021

Why do I exist? Why is it necessary? Why do I just have to keep causing myself more and more shame and regret that piles up and makes me cause more shame and regret which piles up and makes me regret everything? This blog post is just another action in this chain of countless actions that I will regret later, writing this will make me ashamed of myself but I just can’t stop because this is the only way I can keep going, crawling through this thick white gooey slurpy mess of a life.

I could imagine forgiving myself for writing this post if I were 17 years old as I was when I first wrote a post on this blog, but now that I’m fucking Xty X years old I should know better, know that if I ever want to be hired again then them finding this post will just make me unhireable, just like it did the last time, after which I felt shame and deleted 10 years worth of blog posts.

Oh well. Here I am. Again. Writing this crap on this crap of a crap website.

Anyway, if you are reading this, and I ever hurt your feelings, intruded in your life in some damaging way, said something that was funny to me but traumatizing to you, or whatever, please know that the memory of it still keeps me awake at night, I’m traumatized by it myself, I remember it 7 times per day and each time it makes me feel immense shame, I’m incapable of learning from that shame, I do more of those things so you are not the only victim, but I am paying full price for my actions by feeling absolutely abysmal fucking all the time under this ginormous pile of regrets.

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So far most of my blog posts have either been about me being afraid of dying or about gacha games. I’ll try my best to write one now that is about neither of them.

… I guess I already failed.

In other news, I tried a bunch of different gacha games I hadn’t tried before recently. Princess Connect Re:dive had a nice story but the gameplay mechanics were forgettable, and Epic Seven was just a straight up better version of Summoners War that I played for half a year. Still not sure what game to spend more of my time on.

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Nothing to laugh about

March 15, 2021

A couple of years ago I went to a gathering with friends and one of the guys had organized this game. All of us got a paper slip about someone else there and had to yell “bingo” or something when the person on the slip did a specific thing. The one about me was that I say “lol”. The guy with that slip won almost immediately after I stepped in the door, when he told some silly joke.

I didn’t realize it then, but I just did now – I’ve lost the ability to laugh. I just say “lol” out loud. Even when I’m alone. It’s quite weird. If I think about it, I’m not even sure how long ago it was the last time I actually laughed like a normal person.

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I just had another domain expire that I never ended up using. It was for Habitorium, the habit-tracking tool I wanted to develop mostly for personal use.

It sure happens a lot. To get an idea that you deem worthy of spending your time on, register the domain, start working, and a few weeks or months later it is forgotten with negligible progress. I guess I’m not unique in that aspect, the same shit happens to the best of us. Therefore, it is damn impressive when someone actually follows through with their thing.

Here’s a short list of some recent unfinished projects, so that I can feel better about them by letting at least the ideas live on in this blog:

  • Habitorium – the habit tracking webpage. I developed it with React.js and Firebase.
  • Irlie – an “irlie” is a spontaneous meeting in real life. It was going to be an app which gives you random people that you have to meet irl. Kinda like Omegle for real life meetings. I can only image the amount of psychopaths and serial killers you could have met through it. I built it with react native. This is the one which had the best domain name and i regret losing it.
  • Grim Ascent – the predecessor for the current game I’m working on, with a similar basic idea. Both front end and back end with vanilla javascript / node.js.
  • Which manga chapter – A website to match anime episodes to manga chapters that they are adapted from. I built the entire thing, in WordPress, with amazon affiliate links for monetization. I dropped the nearly finished project when entering the data turned out to be overly tedious.
  • Seateur – a webpage, similar to doodle.com, but with specific focus on organizing board game and card game events. It never got any actual code written for it. I even paid for professional logo design:

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A few years ago doctors took an ultrasound picture of my stomach and found that I have an extra spleen, for backup, in case the original one fails. Unfortunately, the organ I most require a backup for is my brain. Any organ donor volunteers?

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