Tag: rant

Tags: ,

Nostalgia post

May 14, 2021

Why do I exist? Why is it necessary? Why do I just have to keep causing myself more and more shame and regret that piles up and makes me cause more shame and regret which piles up and makes me regret everything? This blog post is just another action in this chain of countless actions that I will regret later, writing this will make me ashamed of myself but I just can’t stop because this is the only way I can keep going, crawling through this thick white gooey slurpy mess of a life.

I could imagine forgiving myself for writing this post if I were 17 years old as I was when I first wrote a post on this blog, but now that I’m fucking Xty X years old I should know better, know that if I ever want to be hired again then them finding this post will just make me unhireable, just like it did the last time, after which I felt shame and deleted 10 years worth of blog posts.

Oh well. Here I am. Again. Writing this crap on this crap of a crap website.

Anyway, if you are reading this, and I ever hurt your feelings, intruded in your life in some damaging way, said something that was funny to me but traumatizing to you, or whatever, please know that the memory of it still keeps me awake at night, I’m traumatized by it myself, I remember it 7 times per day and each time it makes me feel immense shame, I’m incapable of learning from that shame, I do more of those things so you are not the only victim, but I am paying full price for my actions by feeling absolutely abysmal fucking all the time under this ginormous pile of regrets.

Enjoyed this post? Hated it? Leave a comment

gamedevlog

October 21, 2020

After trying out a bunch of different mobile gacha games, I decided to build my own game. In Unity.

I haven’t really built any games before. C#, the programming language used in Unity, is also new to me. By now I’ve learned a lot about these tools. But I’m still slowly realizing that those people on the Internet are right. Those who say that it’s best to build a bunch of simple games first before you take on an ambitious project. My code is probably trash, because I lack experience and just don’t know any better.

It’s weird that it’s hard to improve the code too. There isn’t too much advanced information on Unity on the internet. There are all these famous large games built in Unity. The know-how for building them had to come from somewhere right? But I can’t find it. There are mostly YouTube tutorials for beginners. So I guess I will just continue improvising on top of what I have now.

Enjoyed this post? Hated it? Leave a comment

My SSD is full

August 30, 2020

My SSD is full, but that’s a story for another time. What I actually want to discuss this time is the hard disk in my head. My memory. It’s terrible. Like, most of the days I don’t remember what I had for breakfast. It’s even harder to remember stuff that happened days, weeks or years ago. But, for some reason, there are a few parts of my brain that store and recall information really well. One of these is my memory for long numbers. Another one is the memory for Magic: the Gathering cards. And the biggest baddest storage space of them all is the part of my brain dedicated to storing embarrassing memories.

I think from time to time that I should make a conscious effort to store pleasant memories too, so that I have something to bring up to counteract all the bad ones. There’s the negativity bias and all. It’s all human nature. It’s not just me. Most people have these random flashbacks to past pitiful events, especially when going to sleep or when your brain is otherwise not occupied with anything else. So you gotta work hard to pay attention to the good stuff, because by default you take particular notice of the bad stuff. Like, a small nice thing that happened might go unnoticed. But a small annoying thing can really ruin your mood. What will matter in the end though, are all those small pleasant things that happened during your lifetime. So let’s all work harder to store these precious moments as long-time memories.

Enjoyed this post? Hated it? Leave a comment