Why do I exist? Why is it necessary? Why do I just have to keep causing myself more and more shame and regret that piles up and makes me cause more shame and regret which piles up and makes me regret everything? This blog post is just another action in this chain of countless actions that I will regret later, writing this will make me ashamed of myself but I just can’t stop because this is the only way I can keep going, crawling through this thick white gooey slurpy mess of a life.
I could imagine forgiving myself for writing this post if I were 17 years old as I was when I first wrote a post on this blog, but now that I’m fucking Xty X years old I should know better, know that if I ever want to be hired again then them finding this post will just make me unhireable, just like it did the last time, after which I felt shame and deleted 10 years worth of blog posts.
Oh well. Here I am. Again. Writing this crap on this crap of a crap website.
Anyway, if you are reading this, and I ever hurt your feelings, intruded in your life in some damaging way, said something that was funny to me but traumatizing to you, or whatever, please know that the memory of it still keeps me awake at night, I’m traumatized by it myself, I remember it 7 times per day and each time it makes me feel immense shame, I’m incapable of learning from that shame, I do more of those things so you are not the only victim, but I am paying full price for my actions by feeling absolutely abysmal fucking all the time under this ginormous pile of regrets.